r/NPD

I am a 2100 elo at chess. I am in an ivy league school in my country. I look fucking amazing. I am studying low level systems programming all by myself, starting with the physics all the way up to the high level shit. All that just fuels my rage and jealousy and hatred and disdain towards women more and more because not many women are that competent in that much of male-dominated fields like me. And somehow THEY get to be fucking happier and be fucking happy go lucky all the fucking time. Getting everything they ever wanted.

I am not able to respect women or love them or be friends with them, i look down on them. I hate it. I am a woman myself. How the fuck could i think like that or feel that way? I can’t even shake the rage and bitterness i feel whenever i see the picture of any woman or hear any woman talking.

I don’t even like men either, but it feels like im almost ashamed to be a woman. Like i constantly want to prove i am way better than any other woman on the face of this planet.

Don’t judge me please, i am struggling with this because nobody is suffering from this except me. I’m the one who is unable to make any female friends. I’m the one who is unable to let go of the rage and bitterness and constant jealousy and the shame.

And i have no idea how to get rid of it either. I have no idea what to do. I wish i wasn’t so hateful, but i am. And the worst part is that this almost somehow feeds my ego and narcissism even more, i have no idea why. Lol